V4, I12
Happy Valentine’s Day, to those of you who observe it. If you don’t, that’s okay, too. I’m not going to get into the whole debate over whether it’s cool or not to celebrate the holiday the way we do. Honestly, I’m kind of tired of debating things. It seems we’re willing to throw down with each other over darned near everything these days. It seems impossible to let someone else have a good time, or a bad time, or whatever time they want that’s not harming other people or whacking away at the foundations of civilized society.
Happy Whatever Day Or Not, I Guess is what I’m trying to say here. If the day makes you happy, I’m glad for it. If the day makes you unutterably sad, I’m sorry that it does and I most earnestly hope that you will find more gladness tomorrow.
I’m in a bit of a mood, for various reasons, and have been for a couple few weeks now. Generally, I’m okay to hold that mood inside myself and let out only the good and pleasant bits of me to most of the world. On the other hand, I’ve recently learned that Josh Brolin is getting a ton of press and, presumably, another small mountain of money because he wrote some poetry while on the set of the Dune movie1. Should this irritate me and fill me with a measure of despair large enough to make me want to hang up my own poetry forever? No, probably not.
And yet, here I am, my head hung low, my shoulders sagging because what in the world is the point? Today is the first anniversary of my Dad’s death. I’ve a bunch of friends dealing with their own heart-crushing sorrows, sicknesses, and losses. My job stinks so bad it makes me a little bit ill every day I drive to the office2. I should be grateful for what I have, because I am not poor, materially nor spiritually. I have friends who love me and a good handful of people who love the creative work I do.
And yet, there it is. It should not bother me, but it does. Deeply. Profoundly. It is wrong, there’s not a darned thing I can do about it, and it bothers me. That is wrong as well and the conviction is real (and, for now, inescapable).
I don’t have a lot of inspiration here and I’m sorry for that. I probably should close with something about how I press on undaunted, how the world doesn’t always give its best rewards fairly, or how I had a stunning revelation about my work and learned to be generous with praise and credit. I should but I can’t, because none of those things exist in me right now. Maybe they will later but maybe not. I will say this: of course I’ll continue to write, because I’m a writer. That’s what I do — good or bad, happy or sad, whatever or whatever else.
This hasn’t been particularly inspirational. I apologize and understand if you want to punch out and unsubscribe. I don’t have a lot of inspiration in me, lately, I do have a lot of exasperation, which had most of its letters in common with “inspiration”. That counts, right? I have a growing sense of creative desperation, which is also awfully close, letter-wise. Is that okay? I think it might have to be. But if not, I get it.
Anyhow, let’s do a story reading. I did enjoy making this one, even if the voices aren’t quite the way I wanted. You’ll let me know what you think, yes? I’d like that.
Death Comes for Seth
Including a truly bromantic ode to Timothy Chalamet’s cheeks that…I don’t know, friends. I like a lot of faces, but that seemed well over the top.
Also, I’ve smelled dead mouse the past few days in the office. Despite several searches, I can’t find evidence, which means it’s either in the wall or under the floor and I’ll have to wait a few more days for the smell to fade. No worries, really. This is the fourth time, I believe, it’s happened. I’m more or less used to it.
Thanks for sharing, Jimmie. It is always nice to hear what you have to say, even if you deem your content as lacking inspiration.
I was recently gifted a copy of the book "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment". It is a Puritan book, and a slow read, but so rich in content. Your line "I should be grateful for what I have, because I am not poor, materially nor spiritually." reminded me of the book, and I wanted to recommend it. It is not so much convicting as much as encouraging. I would even happily send you a copy if you'd like-- they're cheap at my church's bookstore.
I do love your story readings! I cannot listen now as I am at work, but will save it for a rainy day.
Thanks for being you.
Don't apologize! Being introspective is a good thing. I especially appreciated you pointing out the closeness of "exasperation" to “inspiration”. For now, get out of that job — or at least get that mouse out of the walls.