Thursday! Between the Zines: Time Won't Let Me...WooWOOO!
V4, I14
I have a fraught relationship with time. On one hand, time marches on with me firmly gripped by the scruff of my collar in its unbreakable fist. On the other hand…well, there is no other hand, is there? Time moves, whether I want it to or not and doesn’t much care1 about all the unstarted, unfinished, unrealized, half-planned, sort of suggested, imperfect, and aspirational projects I leave in my temporal wake. That’s not to say I haven’t tried to finish all the stuff in my head before. Most certainly, I have! I’ve gathered up all the stuff I wanted2 to do and tried to slap it down into a schedule, and stick to it like a responsible adult. Unfortunately, all the slapping-down left some stuff sloshed over the side, which I didn’t like, so I tried again. And again. And again.
I turned to the gurus of time management and hustle culture for advice. They all told me to wake up at 4 AM, work on my passions, and GET THINGS DONE3. They dropped baskets full of schedule-hacking tidbits and habit-forming routines I could employ right now and if I didn’t, why I was no better than the sluggard sloth and should immediately feel shame now and forever because what kind of man can’t buckle down and wrestle the very flow of time into the course he requires?
Thanks, gurus. Thanks a steaming pantsload.
Lately, I’ve thought deeply about my relationship with time and why we’ve been frenemies4 for most of my life. Not surprisingly, it’s been all my fault, mostly because time just goes and has no feelings for us one way or the other, no matter how much it seems otherwise. I don’t say this to judge myself harshly, though I would if it would produce anything useful5, but honestly and with an aim toward using my time wisely and generously.
Note here I did not say “productively” or “efficiently”. I don’t really care about those things anymore. I used to when I was younger and worked in positions that required me to, in the words of Nena, “worry, worry, super scurry”. I’m not in those gigs, nor will I go back in any way other than kicking and screaming. At this point in my life6, I will produce what I need to produce as I decide I need to produce it. No one gets to lay the pressures of quantity nor speed on me unless I want them to. And if I want to work efficiently, I will, but I will also work as sloppily and extravagantly as I please to produce the result I want.
Here’s the real problem: I don’t know what I want.
Does that seem strange to you? It does to me. After all, I’m nearly 56 years old. I’ve been a Christian since I was 5. I’ve been with the same employer for almost 35 years. I’ve been married for more than 18 years. I ought to have stuff tacked down pretty well by now. And yet…*shrug*.
Losing my Dad last year, along with some other shifts in my life, have given me plenty of reasons to want to live the rest of my life on purpose, instead of being dragged along time’s path like a reluctant child. I’m working on it now. I know more what I want, even if I can’t properly label it all. I want new work that’s less “sit in an office and do whatever” and more “let’s do some cool stuff that’ll matter to people”. I want to write more stories and poems and get them out to people in books and little videos like this:
I want to get better as a teacher and encourage more people to learn more about God and his Word. I want…oh, heck, I want a lot of things except now I’m pretty sure I have room for it all in my life. Okay, reasonably sure.
Kind of sure? Mostly?
The point is, I’m making choices. I’m putting things in front of me, one at a time, and asking myself if I really want to spend my precious life-minutes on it. If the answer is anything but “yes”, I’m setting it aside.
Maybe you’re ready to do the same. If you are, let’s talk, okay? Say something in the comments and let’s see who all is there with you. We know I am, right? You’ll make two. I’ll bet there’s a third and fourth. Who knows? We might even make some sort of worthwhile support structure out of what we’re doing here to go along with all the creative stuff we’re getting done.
Hey, if I can at least start to life an intentional life, anything is possible!
And now…story!
Make Things Happen
If I may anthropomorphize Time to give it a personality, which I will because I’m a writer and you can’t stop me. Ha!
The word “want” is going to be awfully important later. Remember that I used it here.
Which is different in no way at all from MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, which you might have seen hereabouts recently.
You know “frenemies”, yes? You’re enemies but you’re not really out to kill each other? Sometimes you even kind of sort of get along? Like Perry Mason and Lt. Arthur Tragg?
IMPORTANT NOTE: Judging yourself harshly rarely, if ever, produces anything useful. When you judge yourself, do so fairly and with a mind toward forgiveness, repentance, and improvement. See the missteps. Fix the missteps. Step more rightly. Make sense?
Truly? I should have been at this point in my life at least two decades ago, if not earlier.
I'm in! Let's do this! :)
One of the things I've learned over the past decade is that prayer and meditation works wonders for me in making the best decisions. My default is to jump into a project without having thought through how much time and energy it will take. Plus, I'm just super impatient! When I take on a project, I want the results NOW.
When I started my blog (Primrose Ponderings) last year, I wanted it to be a "real" job that provided real income. But I decided -- at least initially -- to not worry about making money. I simply committed myself to writing from my heart. I didn't even know exactly what "writing from my heart" would look like. As I wrote each week, my heart opened wider and my fears subsided (somewhat, not entirely).
I could see that the "success" of my blog depended on me trusting the Universe to not only guide me in what to write, but also to open my readers' hearts to what I had written. This past week, I received the gift of two paid subscribers. This is significant because I've only had one other paid subscriber the entire other eight months I've been writing. It felt like a big deal to me and I got very excited. (I also got several new free subscribers which was also exciting!)
I found myself wanting to "make" my blog successful through my own efforts again. I'm having to remind myself to not lose the connection to God, to prayer, and to meditation that I've established when writing Primrose Ponderings. The money is a nice-to-have and certainly fuels my excitement about my work, but the reason I write is to bring happiness and healing to a hurting world.
I still want results and I still want them NOW. I have to remind myself every day that my job is not to force success to come, but rather to be a vessel for words that will bring happiness and healing to others. When I do that, I have succeeded beyond measure.